Forget everything you think you know about me. This isn't high school.

You know I love you to death, but there are times I'd seek pleasure in kicking you twice as hard in the crotch. (haha.. kookie's got me on these kicking sprees.) Fun times for the Nancers.

Bastard. I didn't want to hang out with you anyway.

What do you mean you'll have to pencil me in?.. schedule in advance? Like you're that special. Just last week you were calling everyday. So up yours. I rolled my eyes and yawned. Geek. "Well aren't you on everyone's hot list all of a sudden.." I laughed. The stream of bladda yaddahyahs continued on the other end.

Seriously. I have an attention span of a jelly bean and here you entice me with things i don't care for. Hmm.. hot girls, lack of hot girls, the search for hot girls, and my favorite.. kiss and tell moments. Of course you want to be vague about it because being aloof is cool. Yes. It's nice that you consider me your buddy and you can talk so freely, but don't you know I'm vain. What's in it for the Nancers? Gimme something gooood. Crack open a beer. Show me excitement. Burning buildings. Cow-tipping. Toss in a fart joke here and there.. you know..! oh four different types of cheeses, you don't know. curse you intense situations and drama.. i hate you, and you know it.

"change can be so slow that you don't know that your life is better or worse until it is."

press rewind and try it again. this time, using a different scenario. i consult the storyboard and analyze each frame. dissatisfied with the vision before me, i quickly x over every scene. the script is then hurled into the trash without hesitation. crap, i think. absolute crap.

ideals are different, motives are different. two days ago i found myself waking up and realizing --i'm different. i've changed. gradually, i drift away from the people and the things i've become accustomed to. i sense no distinction from how i feel now and the person i use to be.. only the odd feeling of being a stranger in my own skin for so long.

straw dog.

" Staring into the intersection, she thinks that she can fly and she might//Holding on in a new direction, she's gonna try it tonight //The closer I get to feeling, the further that I'm feeling from alright//The more I step into the sun, the more I step out of the light

Jessica [Nance] is covered ina blanket on a Sunday porch//Thinking of the weekends she would party in the city//She doesn't have a flame, she'd prefer to burn out like a torch//If she gets nowhere in life, at least she know's she pretty [awesome] "

i'm still a kid inside. i will grow up in time. let me go.

i awoke this morning wondering what my latest endeavor would be. surveying the space around me, i began searching for answers. with an exasperated sigh, i attempted to set today's goal. strange, i thought. motivation: lacking. no job. no school. room.. a mess. my obvious choice: a little spring cleaning. oh, well.. i have all day to do that. i am convinced as my extended blink is lulled into more slumber.

a few hours later, i find myself in the same predicament. alone, with only my thoughts piercing through the silence. voices from past conversations are continually rewound and played in a everlasting loop. "what are you doing now?" "where are you going to school?" "..looking for a job?" "what are you doing with your life?" "where are you headed?.." curse the voices. "i don't know!" i exclaim aloud, as if to put an end these questions for one last, final time.

my thoughts wander and i desperately hoped that the answer, in which i seeked, would become apparent. i lay motionless, tracing each subtle bump of the celing with my eyes, awaiting the ingenious inspiration that would never make its way to me. "this path that i've chosen.. does it lead anywhere?"

in the past, i've been destructive, fueling the fire of chaos as the result of my confusion. many foolish mistakes have been made, yet, few are regrettable. i start thinking about my senior year. how greatful i am for my second time around. it gave me a chance to weed out the weak, the ones who judged.. the fake, the phonies. i finally understood the meaning of friendship. then there was the big move, where for two years i basically battled the world by my lonesome. met a few folks, good times. i slowly began liking the person that i am. inevitably, life was at a standstill. so i moved home, finding that  i'm back where i started.living in a city i missed and a question mark for the future.

the more i reflected, the less worried i became about life's uncertainties. i know some scoff because i don't follow the patterns of the social norm. my focus hasn't been in education and i don't have a job to define a career or lead me into the stable days of tomorrow. all i have are dreams, determination, and trust that the universe has a plan for me. as far as i'm concerned, that's all i need at this point. i know i possess the potential to succeed, one day.. others will too.